


Playing For Keeps

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Tony Stark, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Artist Steve Rogers, BAMF Natasha, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Disabled Character, Cute Kids, Deaf Clint Barton, Established Relationship, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Kid Fic, Kid Kamala Khan, Kid Peter Parker, M/M, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Minor Wanda Maximoff/Natasha Romanov, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Same-Sex Marriage, War Veteran Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-13 23:54:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7990981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bucky Barnes returned from war, newly disabled and mentally unstable, he didn't expect his marriage to fall apart. Now it's up to him to prove to his husband that what they have is worth fighting for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the Stucky Big Bang and it's not only late, it's not finished. But, the artist who worked with me, http://claredevil.tumblr.com/ , finished her art on time. It's in the first chapter.

Bucky Barnes had had one hell of a year. He had been kidnapped by a terrorist organization, tortured and experimented on before being rescued by special ops. His left arm was so badly mutilated during his time in captivity that it had to be removed, but Stark Industries, stepped in and provided Bucky with a free prosthetic, which wasn’t much of surprise Bucky seeing as he’s been friends with Tony, the CEO of Stark Industries, for years. When Bucky was in the first hospital he’d visit out of many, still in Afghanistan, getting his initial treatment, letters from his family were the only thing that kept him going.

When Bucky was kidnapped a letter was sent out to his husband, Steve, who for almost two months was terrified Bucky was dead. Upon learning Bucky was alive, he told their two children that Bucky had gotten hurt and was going to have surgery then he could come home for good. The children both made get well cards for Bucky who kept them with him at all times.

Kamala, his eight year old daughter, drew pictures of Bucky as a superhero and wrote her get well card in bright blue with pink construction paper. On the back of the card was a drawing of all four of them together, hugging.  Peter, his five year old son, had written his letters that were barley legible from his childish handwriting, Bucky loved them anyway. Bucky’s favorite though had to be Steve’s, which included a beautifully drawn picture of all four of them in the park, smiling and happy. Steve is a professional artist, one of the best Bucky has ever seen.  And the picture made Bucky’s heart swell and gave him something to look forward to.

The procedures to get his new prosthetic arm set up and connected to his nervous system was long, tiring and, what felt like, never ending. Tony was there for every single one, promising Bucky he’d be okay. Bucky didn’t get to leave the hospitals much and he didn’t really have much of a desire to be gawked at, but one night he **needed** to get some air. He was in England now, doing some more complicated procedures, so he knew there would be some good pubs around. At this point, the arm was attached to his body but not his nervous system meaning he couldn’t move it well. He hated the arm with a burning passion.

He covered the metal clinging to his flesh with a nice jacket, one Steve would approve of him wearing, unlike the sweat shirt his sister got him that said “I kill people for a living” it was a Hanukah present. He looked respectable and felt almost normal with his freakish arm hidden; it was the best he’d felt in a while.

Bucky walked into a pub outside of London, with his head down and his arm covered. He wasn’t looking for anything more than a place to just sit, a place that didn’t smell like a hospital and hopefully had booze. He sat down at the bar and the bartender made her way to him.

“What can I get for you?”

“Vodka.”

She nodded and poured him a shot of vodka. A few shots later, Bucky was feeling much freer and much drunker, but he had forgotten that he was different now. As he shrugged off his jacket and his world stopped spinning. The bartender who only seconds before was having a nice chat with Bucky gaped at him, the men playing pool stopped what they were doing to stare, the other people at the bar gawked at him like he’d disappear if they looked away.

“Holy fucking shit.” The bartender breathed. “You’re like some sort of cyborg.”

Bucky reached into his pocket with his right hand as his left dangled limply, the metal gleaming in the dim pub lighting. He smacked a wad of cash onto the bar and grabbed his jacket.

“Keep the change.” He growled before rushing out of the pub.

Bucky came home after months of procedures and was ready to see his family. As he entered the terminal he saw his family right away. Kamala was bouncing in front of Steve, holding a huge sign that said “Daddy!” and beaming so hard it must have hurt her face. Peter was sitting on Steve’s shoulders with Steve’s  protective hands keeping him steady and safe. Steve looked exhausted but happy as he waited for his husband.

“Daddy!” Kamala shouted the very second she caught sight of her other father.

“Pumpkin!” Bucky cried, scooping up his daughter into a hug.

“Daddy!” Peter exclaimed from Steve’s shoulder, reaching his arms out for his dad.

“Hey Munchkin.” Bucky greeted his son, putting Kamala on her feet before taking Peter.

Bucky cooed at his children for a few moments before turning to Steve, who was smiling but looked close to tears.

“Stevie, it’s good to see your beautiful face.” Bucky murmured, taking his husband into his arms.

Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky right away, sniffling into his shoulder and snuggling up to him.

“I’m so glad you’re safe.” Steve whispered, his voice breaking. “I thought-they-they told us you probably wouldn’t come home. I was so scared.”

“They were wrong.” Bucky cooed, stroking Steve’s hair. “I’m here and I’m alive and I love you.”

The couple shared a chaste kiss, knowing their kids wouldn’t allow for much more. Steve drove them home while Bucky listened to Kamala tell them all about her favorite super heroes and gush over her new art kit she got for getting really good grades in math. Peter had his turn to ramble on about his new action figures before he fell asleep on the way home.  Bucky was just so happy to be back, he felt happier than he’d ever had before, and was happy to go along with it all.

Bucky’s first two days home were perfect, like something out of a fairy tale and then suddenly, reality came crashing down. Bucky had his first flashback, he was behind the wheel of Steve’s car after swearing up and down to Steve he was fine to drive. Bucky swerved off the road and just barely missed a tree, Peter and Kamala were in the back seat. Bucky made them keep their heads between their knees for a good five minutes as he came back to reality. When they got back home the kids ran to Steve and told him what happened in panicked, terrified voices. Kamala and Peter slept in their bed that night, Bucky decided to stay at Natasha’s for the night.

Natasha was a good family friend, someone Bucky met in high school and stuck with. Natasha lived a few miles away with her girlfriend, Wanda and they allowed Bucky to crash in their second bedroom for the night. Bucky ended up going out to the bar after failing to fall asleep and stumbled back in, completely wasted. Natasha and Wanda didn’t say anything in the morning about how Bucky reeked of liquor and looked like a hobo, but they made Bucky shower before going home.

Over breakfast Steve let Bucky know just how much it scared the kids and that they should get him help; Bucky didn’t say a word and just stared down at his plate. Bucky goes a few days before he has a horrible night terror and wakes up screeching, waking up everyone in the house. The kids were scared out of their mind and thought their daddy was in serious pain. Steve held Bucky and let him sob and shake and cry as much as he needed to, in the morning Steve brought up getting help from a VA center; Bucky huffed and insisted he was fine.

Things did not get better; they got worse. Bucky’s night terrors became regular, anxiety attacks and flash backs were frighteningly common and Bucky’s drinking was becoming a quick problem.

“Bucky, you need help.” Steve would insist.

“I’m fine.” Bucky would scoff. “I don’t need help.”

Sam Wilson, a good friend of Steve’s and an air force vet, once came to one of the sit downs to tell Bucky that his drinking wasn’t helping him deal the pain war left him.

“I know what it’s like, coming home from war, where it’s basically another world. I didn’t deal with it well when I first got back either.” Sam had said in a calm, steady voice. “I get that you’re trying to deal with this pain and grief that you have, but drinking is hot helping you, Bucky. It’s making things worse, not just for you but for your family. I think you should come down to the VA, talk with some of the counselors there or maybe talk with other veterans. I think it’d help you, Bucky.”

“Stop! Alright, fuckin’ stop, I get what you’re trying to do and I get that this all comes from a place of love, but I’m fine. Please, just leave it alone.” Bucky had sighed deeply at the other veteran.

The kids were confused and scared sometimes, but they still loved Bucky and wanted their daddy. Natasha kept her mouth shut and didn’t tell him what to do or what she thought; Wanda, on the other hand, had no problem telling him he was fucking everything up.  Natasha was also a veteran; she served four years in active duty right after high school, so she cut Bucky more slack that Wanda did. This pattern continued for about three months until the night came where Bucky stumbled home plastered and Steve was waiting for him in the living room. Bucky had gotten in a fight that night with some asshole at the bar and his face was cut up from the kid’s rings.

“Stevie!” Bucky cried happily, a dopey drunken smile on his face.

“Sit down Bucky.” Steve said firmly.

Bucky blinked in surprise, he had not expected this, but sat down none the less. Steve went into the kitchen and came back with two glasses of water and made Bucky drink both before he sat down across from him.

“What’s this all about?” Bucky asked, eyeing his husband with confusion.

“Wanda called me when the fight broke out.” Steve deadpanned.

“Oh.” Bucky muttered.

“You are too old to be getting in fist fights with kids barely old enough to drink!” Steve exclaimed, clearly frustrated.

“He was asking for it.” Bucky defended himself poorly.

“All kids his age are, but that doesn’t mean we pound them.” Steve shot back. “This is getting out of control Bucky, you need help!”

“I **don’t** need help!” Bucky snarled. “You’re just angry that I’m different and won’t accept that I’m fine!”

“You are **far** from fine, Buck!” Steve snapped. “You have night terrors, flash backs, anxiety attacks and you drink like there’s no tomorrow! Our kids are confused and scared and just want their daddy to love them but they never know when’s a good time anymore! You need help!”

“Fuck you, Steve!” Bucky hissed, poking a finger into Steve’s chest harshly. “I’m fucking fine!”

“You know what, fine.” Steve sighed, throwing his hands up in the air. “You don’t want help, fine, don’t get help.”

Steve started to climb the stairs and Buck followed, only for Steve to spin on his heels and glare at him.

“No, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” Steve told him.

Bucky remembered it all in the morning, but figured it was just another fight, it would blow over. The next day, Steve sat Bucky down after breakfast and laid down the law.

“I want you out.” Steve told him.

“Excuse me?” Bucky did a double take.

“I cannot have you living here anymore, Buck.” Steve said softly. “I can’t have you scaring the children and slowly killing yourself.”

“Stevie, you can’t do this.” Bucky said. “You can’t quit on me!”

“I’m **not** quitting on you!” Steve croaked, his voice cracking as tears prickled up in his eyes. “ **I love you** , James Buchanan Barnes! But you won’t get help and you’ve made our children be scared in their own home, they don’t know if they should feel safe here or not; and I can’t have that. You **need help** , Bucky and until you get the help you need, you need to leave.”

“Steve, c’mon, baby, this is crazy talk.” Bucky objected, reaching out and taking Steve’s hands into his own.

“I can’t watch you do this anymore, Buck.” Steve whispered. “You’re hurting so badly and you won’t let me help.”

“I’m fine, Stevie, I promise.” Bucky said in a soothing voice, letting go of Steve’s left hand to stroke his hair.

“Please Bucky, d-don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.” Steve choked, loosening his grip on Bucky’s hand. “I **love** you, Bucky, but I can’t sit back and watch your drown yourself in alcohol.”

“I can stop drinking Stevie, I promise.” Bucky leaned forward, the edge of the table digging into his ribs as he reached to be closer to Steve.

“You’re killing yourself Bucky!” Steve cried, but there was more sadness in his voice than anger. “You can’t keep going on like this.”

“Babe, I just said I can stop.” Bucky protested.

“I wish I could believe you, Buck, but I can’t.” Steve breathed. “I don’t want to do this, but I have to. You-you need to leave, Bucky.”

Steve let go of Bucky’s hand and stood up, tears running freely from Steve’s eyes. Bucky pushed himself up and went to hold his husband, but Steve shook his hand.

“Not now, Bucky. I-I can’t right now.” Steve whispered and walked away, his body shaking from the force of his silent sobs.

It was Thursday and possibly the worst Thursday of Bucky’s life. He went to Natasha’s, who just looked at him with disappointed eyes.

“I can’t believe he kicked me out.” Bucky whispered, mostly to himself.

“I can.” Wanda told him.

“Shut it, Wanda. I didn’t ask you.” Bucky grumbled.

“Y’know Buck, Steve has a very good point.” Natasha said slowly. “This is spiraling out of control and your kids are too young to understand why you’re acting like this.”

“Cut it out, Nat! I don’t need you ganging up on me too!” Bucky huffed.

“You know what, James, if you’re not going to help yourself, you need to find somewhere else to stay.” Nat hissed.

It felt like a slap in the face, he’d been friends with Natasha for years and even she was kicking him out. He made a call to Tony and was offered one of the many guest rooms at his place immediately.

Pepper, Tony’s life partner, because neither wanted to get married, was waiting for him when he got to Tony and Pepper’s house.

“Hey Bucky, how are you doing?” Pepper asked softly, as if she doesn’t know that his life is falling apart.

“Peachey.” Bucky snarked. “I mean, it’s not like my husband kicked me out of the house or anything- oh wait! He did.”

“Watch it, Robo Cop! You don’t need to be a dick to Pepper, we’re not the ones who kicked you out.” Tony said.

Bucky sighed because Tony was right, he had no reason to be a dick to Pepper, she was just trying to be helpful.

“You’re right, you’re right.” Bucky admitted. “But what do I do, huh? What am I supposed to do, Tony?”

“Get help.” Tony told him.

“No! I don’t **need** help!” Bucky cried.

“Whether you think you need help or not, Steve is not letting you back home and fully into the lives of your kids unless you get help.” Tony pointed out. “You don’t think you need help, awesome, but you have to get the help Steve thinks you need to get what you want.”

Bucky shook his head no. He doesn’t need help, he doesn’t need it!

“Bucky, you said Steve was crying.” Pepper began, her voice gentle. “Can’t you see this is hurting not just you but your family?”

“M-maybe he just needs some time.” Bucky offered, more to himself than Pepper. “Yeah, he probably just needs some time to readjust, than I can go back home.”

“Barnes, please tell me you’re not just spit balling.” Tony sighed, looking at his friend with sympathetic eyes.

Bucky looked down, not saying a word.

“Don’t you want to be with Steve and your kids?” Pepper asked softly. “Don’t you want to be taking Kamala to art class or Peter to gymnastics? Don’t you want to be home with Steve?”

“Of course I do!” Bucky exclaimed. “I love Steve, I love my children!”

“Then do this.” Pepper pushed. “Do this, get the help Steve thinks you need because that is the only way you are getting your marriage back and your life right.”


	2. Chapter 2

“This is stupid.” Bucky huffed.

“I know you feel that way, Buddy, but you want Captain Hard Ass back right? Then suck it up and do it, Princess.” Tony said.

Bucky glared at his friend before turning his eyes back to the church in front of him. Inside of the church an AA meeting was going on, the one Tony goes to every week. Tony had given up alcohol after he almost died of alcohol poisoning, but it hadn’t been easy for him. If he hadn’t had Pepper, he probably never would have been able to reach sobriety and an alcohol free life.

“I don’t have a drinking problem.” Bucky grumbled.

“Yeah, and I’m the Queen of England.” Tony scoffed before grabbing Bucky by his shoulders and steering him into the church.

Around thirty middle aged men and a handful of women were inside the church, most of them drinking the cheap coffee provided by the church. Bucky’s body was stiff and he wanted to scoff again at how ridiculous this was. The meeting began and everyone began sharing their stories until it was only Tony and Bucky who hadn’t spoken; so Tony spoke up.

“Most you here already know me.” Tony began. “You know that I grew up with a rich dad who ignored me. You know I turned to alcohol before I was even old enough to drive. You know all of these things because you’ve all been here for me with my ride to sobriety. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve been clean for almost three years and I still have days where all I want is damn martini. I still get that itch, but my life is so much better now that I’m sober.”

Tony turned to Bucky expectantly and he sighed.

“My name’s Bucky and I **don’t** have a drinking problem.” Bucky grumbled.

“Then why are you here?” A girl named Tina asked.

“I have to.” Bucky sighed before opening up. “My husband kicked me out of the house. I scare my own children. My husband thinks I need help, and I can’t get him or my family back unless I do what he wants.”

Hours later, Sam picked Bucky up from Tony’s house and drove him to the VA. Sam is Steve’s best friend, he was an ex-para rescuer who lost his long term boyfriend on the field. When Bucky was away, Sam kept Steve company and distracted him so he didn’t obsess over all the bad things that could happen to Bucky. Sam had been supporting Steve through the months Bucky had spent at home and encouraging the idea of therapy, even after Bucky shot it down

“It’s real good of you to be getting help.” Sam told him as they neared the VA.

Bucky grunted, not bothering to tell Sam he was only doing it to get Steve happy. He didn’t need help, he was fine. Sam walked Bucky into the VA center, showed him around and introduced him to the group. It reminded Bucky a lot of AA, but instead they were talking about flashbacks, losing themselves in mid-day.

Tony was jotting down a new idea when Sam called him, telling him that Bucky ran out of the VA center in the middle of group. Sam didn’t know where Bucky was headed, but he figured Tony could use the head’s up. Tony groaned and Pepper looked at him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Bucky fled from the VA center.” Tony explained, getting up.

“Is he headed back here?” Pepper questioned.

“Trust me, if he needed to leave the meeting that badly, he’s headed to a bar.” Tony huffed. “Looks like it’s Tony to the rescue.”

Tony called all the nearby bars until one confirmed a man fitting Bucky’s description was at the bar. Tony entered The Winter Solider and frowned deeply as his eyes found Bucky right away. Bucky was surrounded by shot glasses and tossing back what appeared to be tequila.

“So this was what was so important you had to leave your meeting?” Tony demanded, making Bucky look up.

Bucky saw Tony and groaned loudly. He made the signal for another drink to the bar tender before turning back to Tony.

“I didn’t need to be there, Tony.” Bucky said firmly, taking the shot from the bartender and downing it.

“Hey buddy, I think you need to slow it down.” The bartender told him.

“That’s a great idea. Pay for your drinks and we’ll get out of here.” Tony commanded.

“No! I’m fine, pour me another.” Bucky muttered.

“You’re not fine, Bucky! People who don’t need VA meetings don’t run out of them and people who are fine don’t drown themselves in tequila!” Tony exclaimed, gesturing wildly.

“I can quit drinkin’ at any time.” Bucky growled.

“Then quit.” Tony hissed.                          

“Don’t wanna.” Bucky huffed.

“Don’t want to or can’t?” Tony shot back.

“Fuck you, Tony! I don’t need this from you! First Steve, then Tasha and now you? Fuckin’ quit it!” Bucky cried.

“Alright, get up. We’re going.” Tony stated, slamming down a hundred bucks in front of the bar tender. “Keep the change, kid.”

Bucky whined but didn’t try to fight him as Tony grabbed him by his real arm and pulled him out of the bar. Tony was seething, disappointment and anger filled him. Tony had been friends with Steve and Bucky for years, had always gotten along better with Bucky out of the two, but had always liked them. Tony had known before they were married and long before they were parents, but Tony had always been rooting for their relationship to work out. Tony knew Steve was right, Bucky really needed help. A lot had happened and it was hard for everyone to watch.

“What the **hell** are you **thinking** , Barnes?!” Tony demanded as he drove them back to the tower.

“That I needed a drink.” Bucky said and then started giggling.

“Damn it!” Tony slammed his hand down on the steering wheel. “This isn’t a joke, Bucky! You could lose Steve, you could lose Kamala and Peter!”

“Stevie wouldn’t do that to me.”

“He already did!”

Bucky stayed silent for the rest of the ride and went straight to sleep when he got to the tower.

Midafternoon the next day Bucky was sitting, watching Peter’s class’s production of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”. Personally, Bucky thought kindergarteners were edging towards a bit old for The Itsy Bitsy Spider, but for the most part he was just glad Steve allowed him to go. Peter had the lead role as the spider and looked adorable in his spider costume and Bucky could see Kamala and Steve a row ahead. It was a short lived production and when it was over, Peter spotted Bucky first.

“Daddy!” Peter cried, running towards Bucky as fast as his short little legs could carry him.

“Hey munchkin, you did so good up there.” Bucky told him, scooping up Peter.

“It was fun! I wanna do it ag- Papa!” Peter cut himself off to cheer at the sight of his other father and reached for him.

Steve took Peter back from Bucky without even meeting Bucky’s eyes. Kamala saw Bucky and launched herself at him.

“Daddy! I’ve missed you so much.” Kamala hummed happily.

Bucky and Steve’s heads jerk and their eyes met for a split second.

“I’ve missed you too princess, you and your brother.” Bucky told her.

“I’m not a princess! Princesses are lame! They always need someone **else** to do the saving. I’m a super hero, Daddy, like Ms. Marvel!” Kamala ranted.

“Are you coming home, Daddy?” Peter asked, looking at Bucky with the most sincere innocent eyes.

“We don’t know yet Peter.” Steve said before Bucky could speak.

Both Peter and Kamala pouted but Bucky met Steve’s eyes again. “I went to some meetings, Steve.”

“Which you left.” Steve hissed, glaring. “You’re not taking this seriously at all.”

“Papa, what are you talking about?” Kamala asked.

“Nothing Kamala, grown up stuff.” Steve told her.

Kamala huffed and cross her arms over her chest dramatically, but didn’t say a word. She was already showing her displeasure with the situation perfectly through her behavior.

“We need to talk, without the kids.” Bucky said.

Steve nodded in agreement before leaving with the kids in toe.

They met for lunch the next day, Bucky was hungover and Steve caught it right off the bat.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Buck.” Steve cried, exasperated.

“Not so loud.” Bucky grumbled, massaging his temples.

“You got drunk last night, Bucky! I can’t **believe** you sometimes!” Steve shouted as if Bucky hadn’t spoken. “You **saw** just how much the kids want you home but that’s not enough for you to change! Our kids want you home, Bucky! **I** want you home!”

“Then let me come home!” Bucky cried, wincing as he did.

“Because you need help, Buck. Your drinking is way out of control and you’re having flashbacks to Afghanistan.” Steve explained dryly.

“I don’t need help, Steve! Just accept that!” Bucky snapped.

“No! No, Bucky, you’re wrong! I don’t know why you won’t just admit it, but this needs to stop.” Steve spoke, exhaustion showing in his voice. “You need to just admit you’re scared, because I already know you are, we’re all scared. You are not going to get better if you can’t admit you’re scared.”

“Nothing is wrong!” Bucky shouted in frustration.

“Nothing? You sleep with a handgun under your fucking pillow, Bucky.” Steve scoffed, his eyes wet and sad.  “You act like a depressed chipmunk on speed half the time. You can’t stop drinking. You’re not okay, Buck.”

Bucky just stared back at his husband, his crying husband who was clearly at his wits end with what to do.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what Afghanistan was like, Bucky.” Steve began. “But I know that what happened cost you your arm and you have every right to be upset and scared. You’re so strong for making it out alive, and now you just need to get help.”

“Help is weak.” Bucky muttered.

“Sometimes people need to be weak, Buck.” Steve reminded him. “That’s part of a good marriage, being there when the other needs to be weak. Our marriage used to be like that. Don’t you remember?”

“I remember.” Bucky whispered.

“I just want you to get better, Buck. I want you to get better and open up to me. You’ve been through so much and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t help you carry the baggage it gave you!”

“I don’t need you to help carry my baggage, Steve. I’m doing fine.”

“I don’t care if you think you’re fine, Buck! You’re not fine, you’re far from fine!”

“Quit trying to shove your opinions on me, Steve! I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself!”

“Damn it, Bucky! That is not the point!”

“Just take me back, Steve. This is stupid.”

“No, Bucky. I **love** you, but I can’t watch you do this song and dance; pretending everything is just hunky dory when it’s not. The kids want you home, **I** want you home, but not like this.”

“Then I guess that’s it.”

Bucky sighed and pushed himself up. Steve nodded and they parted ways.


	3. Chapter 3

Kamala sat at the dinner table, swinging her feet and watching her papa set the table. Her daddy hadn’t been home for two weeks and Papa made it sound like that wasn’t going to change any time soon. She and her little brother really missed their daddy, but she didn’t understand what was up with him lately. Ever since he came home he hadn’t been acting like he did before and she didn’t understand why.

“Papa, why isn’t Daddy coming home?” Peter asked for the fifteenth time in the last hour.

“Daddy’s sick, Peter, we’ve been over this.” Papa sighed.

“But why’s he sick?” Peter asked.

“You’re too young to understand.” Papa said firmly.

“Grownups only say that when they don’t want kids to know something fun!” Peter huffed.

“Am I too young to know, Papa?” Kamala found herself asking.

The whole routine had been going on like clockwork, except for her, she had never asked that question before and she didn’t know why she asked now. Her papa looked just as puzzled as she felt, but cleared his throat and answered her none of the less.

“For some of it, yes, but for some of it you’re old enough to understand.” Steve said, standing up straight. “Daddy got very badly hurt and when he came home he started doing bad things that hurt him. He wouldn’t get help and it was making things worse, and I couldn’t watch him hurt like that anymore. It was scaring you and Peter and me. So I told him to get help and as soon as he gets help, we’ll take him back.”

Kamala frowned, processing the information given to her. She had known her daddy was hurt but she didn’t understand why Daddy couldn’t just quit doing the bad stuff.

“Did the bad stuff make Daddy sick?” Kamala asked.

Steve pursed his lips and thought over how he’d explain it. “No, when Daddy got hurt something happened and he began to get sick and because he ignored it, he got sicker.”

Peter was trying hard to follow along but the five year old was clearly confused. Steve sighed and ruffled Peter’s hair and placed a kiss on Kamala’s forehead.

“We’re gonna be okay, guys. I promise.” Steve told his children.

As Steve ate a home cooked meal with his family, Bucky was refusing to eat dinner with Tony and Pepper.

“C’mon Grumpy Cat, the food’s getting cold.” Tony said, banging on Bucky’s door.

“Just eat without me.” Bucky called.

Buck had been sulking in silence when the happy couple announced dinner. Bucky knew he should go out there and eat with them, after all, they were giving him a free place to stay, but the idea of watching them coo over each other made his stomach drop and his heart ache. Not too long ago, he and Steve would fuss and coo over each other at every meal, making the kids giggle and friends mock gag.

“Bucky, get out here you-!” Tony was cut off by Bucky’s phone ringing.

Bucky slowly picked up his phone and answered it.

“Hello?” Bucky asked.

“Daddy! It’s me, Kamala!” The voice of Kamala said from the other line.

“Kamala! Hey, sweetie, what’s up?” Bucky asked.

“I miss you Daddy.” She said, her voice breaking a sniffle audible.

Bucky felt his heart break. “Oh sweetheart, I miss you too. I miss you and your brother and your papa so much.”

“I don’t know why Papa kicked you out, but whatever it was, fix it Daddy. I-I-I want you to c-come home!” The little girl whimpered. “I’m t-trying to be tough like Ms. Marvel but I can’t D-Daddy.”

Bucky wet his lips, feeling tears build up in his eyes. The hell was he supposed to do?

“Papa and I have a lot of talking to do before I can come home, sweet pea. But maybe I can take you and Peter out for ice cream if Papa says it’s okay.” Bucky said.

“Okay, I’ll ask him.” Kamala replied.

Bucky heard the muffled yelling of Kamala to Steve, her question, a squeal and then she was back on.

“Papa said you can but he has to talk to you!” She cheered.

“Okay Kamala, put him on.” Bucky suggested.

He heard rustling and then a door shut.

“Are you trying to break her heart, Bucky?” Steve demanded in his ear.

“No! She misses me Steve and I obviously can’t come home, so I offered to take **our** kids out to ice cream. It’ll be nice for them to see me and get their favorite dessert.” Bucky huffed.

“I’ll let them go, but I swear to **God** James Buchanan Barnes, you need to make this amazing for them! They’re having a really hard time understanding what’s happening and they want their daddy.” Steve sighed.

“I get that! I mean, did you hear Kamala? She sounds so devastated, like someone stole her comic book collection or something. I just want to take care of them, and remind them that I’m still here and I still love them.” Bucky exclaimed with frustration.

Steve blew out a long breath on the other side of the phone. Bucky couldn’t see it, but he knew Steve was running a hand through his hair, because that’s what Steve always does when he blows out air like that.

“Okay, Bucky, I believe you. You don’t have to convince me that you love them, I know you do. Is there a specific time you want to pick them up?” Steve asked.

“Four on Saturday work for you?” Bucky offered.

“Yeah, that works for us. We’ll see you then Bucky, have a nice night.” Steve said before hanging up.

Bucky wanted to call back, to tell Steve that he still loves Steve too. That he wants to mend things, make them better, he longed to scream from the rooftops that all he wanted is to come home; but Bucky couldn’t do that, so all he had is time on his hands.  Bucky missed everything that living with Steve and the kids entailed, even having Peter wake them up at five every morning.

“Barnes! Come out already!” Tony called through the door, making Bucky jump a little, he’d forgotten Tony was out there.

“Yeah, I’m coming!” Bucky replied, getting up and going out to the kitchen for dinner.

That weekend Bucky showed up to pick up Peter and Kamala for a trip to the ice cream parlor.  Bucky knocked on the door reluctantly. It was his first time to the house since being kicked out and it felt wrong to have to knock on his own damn door. The door swung open and Kamala bounced with excitement towards him.

“Daddy, you’re here!” She cried, throwing herself at him.

He caught her effortlessly, chuckling under his breath. “Yeah sweet pea, I’m here. Where’s your brother, it’s time to go.”

“Peter, hurry up! Daddy’s here!” Kamala shouted from her dad’s arms.

Bucky placed her safely on her feet as his five year old barreled at him. Bucky scooped him up before Peter head butted his knees.

“Daddy! I missed you!” Peter sang, hugging Bucky around the neck.

Bucky’s throat tightened, he flashed his son a smile that resembled a grimace as he quickly set him down. “Missed you too, little man.”

“You guys ready for ice cream with Daddy?” Steve asked, making Bucky’s head snap in Steve’s direction.

“Yep! I’m gonna get strawberry ice cream!” Kamala said proudly, bringing Bucky’s eyes away from Steve’s crotch.

“Alright, Buck have ‘em back by six please. Have fun guys!” Steve said, waving goodbye.

Bucky nodded and led the kids back to his car, feeling his heart ache as he heard the door shut. The ride to the ice cream parlor was filled with mindless chatter, the two children informing Bucky what he missed while he was away. Kamala was telling a story about how the mean girl in her class got caught bullying her when Bucky pulled up to the parking lot.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, honey. I’m so glad you told somebody.” Bucky said as she finished.

She beamed at him, proud that her dad liked her story and hopped out of the car. Bucky got out and helped Peter get out of the car seat that Peter had to sit in. Peter smiled politely, but Bucky knew his son hated not being able to figure out how to get out of the car seat on his own.

“Sorry Daddy.” Peter muttered, eyes locked on his hands, embarrassment written all over his face.

“Nothing to be sorry about, Bud. You’ll be able to get out without my help someday.” Bucky told him, placing a kiss on the top of Peter’s head.

Kamala yelled for them to hurry up, making Bucky laugh and walk over to the counter, where he ordered three ice creams, one super hero ice cream for Kamala, one chocolate for Peter and one vanilla for himself. Soon they were sitting at a table, happily eating their ice cream and chatting about their week like they had been in the car.

“Why’d you go to meetings with Uncle Tony?” Kamala asked. “Are you gonna work with Uncle Tony now?”

“No, Kamala, these meetings were for me to get better.” Bucky said.                                   

“So you can come home.” Kamala whispered, excitement lighting up in her eyes. “That means you can come home now! Papa said you couldn’t come home till you got help but now you can come home now!”

“Whoa, hold up, sweetie! Yes, I am getting help, but I can’t come home right away because I’m still getting better. These meetings didn’t go well for me, I’m not better yet and that means that coming home isn’t an option yet.” Bucky explained.

“Then when are you coming home, Daddy?” Peter asked, his words muffled by the spoon in his mouth.

“Oh sweetie, I don’t know.” Bucky sighed, smoothing down Peter’s hair. “It’s very complicated, this stuff doesn’t magically fix itself overnight; though it’d be pretty cool if it did.”

“Stop making it complicated! It doesn’t sound that complicated, it sounds like you just don’t want to come home!” Kamala cried.

“That’s not true! I **do** want to come home but it would not make the situation any better at this point if I did!” Bucky pointed out, he took a deep breath, reminding himself she’s only a kid. “When you grow up you’ll understand that things are always complicated when you’re a grown up.”

“Then why does this have to be more complicated than everything else?” Kamala demanded, her tiny fists clenched in anger in anger, her eyes slits of wrath. “I don’t wanna do this anymore!”

“Because I’m having trouble getting better, like I told Peter, it doesn’t magically happen overnight.”

“Then go to more meetings! Go see a doctor! Do something, anything, so you can come home!”

“I know these past two weeks have been really hard on you two, but I’m doing the best I can with the situation I’ve been dealt.”

“Well, it’s not good enough!”

Kamala was shaking, her eyes no longer slits of wrath, now sad and bubbling with tears. She was so utterly frustrated, she just wanted things to go back to normal, the way it had been before Daddy got sick.

“I know it isn’t, it’s nowhere close to good enough.” Bucky agreed, pulling his children close, an arm wrapped around each child. “But Papa was right to kick me out, because having me home would be very bad for everyone, especially you two.”

“Why?” Peter asked, looking truly his age with his big brown eyes boring into Bucky’s soul.

“Because I-I need to get help.” Bucky said, admitting it more to himself than the children. “I’m not taking good care of myself and I’m doing very bad, it would be very hard on you guys to see me having a bad day. Remember when I almost hit a tree and I scared you? Those are what my bad days are like.”

“That was scary.” Peter whispered, Kamala nodding her head in agreement with her brother.

“I wanna go home now.” Kamala said.

Kamala looked more sad than angry, as did Peter who looked on the brink of tears.

“Oh guys…” Bucky sighed, crouching down to their height. “I didn’t meant to cause such a problem. I’ll try to make it up to you.”

 “J-just do what you have to do to get better and come home.” Kamala breathed.

Bucky wrapped his children up in his arms and held them until they calmed down enough to go home. Steve was waiting for them, his smile dropping to a frown when he noticed how drained the kids looked as they made their way into the house.

“Steve, we need to talk.” Bucky sighed, running a hand through his greasy, tangled hair.

Steve nodded, biting his lip as he ushered the kids inside before stepping out himself. Looking at Steve, Bucky was reminded of just how beautiful the other man truly was and he had to stop himself from walking up and planting a kiss on his lips.

“What happened? They look so upset!” Steve asked, bringing Bucky back to reality.

“They had a tough visit. They were begging me to come home and when I explained that it wasn’t that easy Kamala threw a bit of a temper tantrum. I tried telling her that I need help and it’s not good for anyone for me to come home yet, but she just wasn’t having it.” Bucky told his husband.

Steve’s heart ached at the thought of how upset the kids were, but he felt his chest swell when he realized Bucky was admitting he needed help. Bucky, the most stubborn man Steve had ever met, was admitting that Steve was right. He took in Bucky’s appearance for the first time that day and took in a sharp breath. He looked worse for wear, it was clear from the bags under his eyes and greasy hair that he wasn’t taking care of himself; and it hurt Steve to see it. His eyes were red and glossy, and the emotion pooled in his shoulders and arms, his whole body slumping over like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Steve felt that way too, more often than not in the past two weeks.

“I’m gonna get better though, Stevie. I-I want to come home so bad, but you were right. God, Steve, you were right and I’m so sorry I put you through all this shit.” Bucky breathed, his eyes wide and pained.

“That’s amazing Buck, I’m so proud of you and I hope we can work things out once you get better, because I do still love you, Buck. I have to go see how they're doing now, but do take care, Buck.” Steve breathed, his eyes blurry with tears. Steve stepped back inside and shut the door before he gave in to the intense need to hug Bucky.

 He leaned his full weight on the door, letting out a sigh he hopes could ease the ache in his chest with it. Bucky was finally trying, really trying, to get better and he finally acknowledged that Steve was right all along. Steve missed Bucky so much, he longed for his husband to be healthy and home in his arms, reading books with Peter and playing games with Kamala, and it looked like Steve may finally get that back. Taking a deep breath, Steve pushed himself off the door and went to go check on the kids.

Bucky breathed deeply as he got into his car and drove back to Tony’s, feeling like he was going to cry or break something, whichever happened first. Seeing Steve, his beautiful, strong Steve, look so heartbroken over what had happen with the kids was just as bad as seeing his children cry because of him; but more than that, Steve still loved him and Steve still wanted him to come home once he’s better.

Back at the house, Steve was seeing that Peter really did need to be checked up on as Peter was screaming and crying, kicking and hitting walls in frustration while letting out wails of anguish.

“I want Daddy!” The five year old shrieked.

“Peter, Daddy went back to Uncle Tony’s house, he isn’t here right now, but I am. Tell me what’s wrong, honey.” Steve said softly, trying not to feed into the tantrum.

“No! Make Daddy come back! I want Daddy!” Peter yelled, kicking and hitting the wall.

“Peter, stop that! You’re gonna hurt yourself!” Steve cried, grabbing Peter’s shoulders and making the five year old face him.

“No! No! No! Go away!” Peter screamed, crying now in frustration from not getting his way.

“No, I will not go away. What’s going on with you?” Steve demanded.

“I want Daddy! Make Daddy better and make Daddy come home!” Peter exclaimed, stomping his foot.

“Oh honey, I want Daddy to come home too” Steve sighed. “But I talked to Daddy before he left and he said he already told you that he can’t come home until he’s better.”

“But he’s getting better, Papa! He wants to come home!” Peter huffed.

“I know he wants to come home, but he’s not ready to just yet, that’s what he was telling you.” Steve explained.

“That’s not fair! I want Daddy!” Peter huffed.

“I know you do, kiddo. C’mon, you wore yourself out, go take a nap and then you can call him.” Steve commanded, letting go of Peter’s shoulders.

Peter sighed but obediently went to his room to nap. Once Peter was gone, Steve let out a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew the separation was really upsetting the kids, but he hoped things would have calmed down now that it’s been a few weeks, but they haven’t.  Steve could see that Bucky really wanted to get better now, that he was going to do what he had to do so he could get better, but Steve was a realist and he was afraid that once Bucky was better, he wouldn’t want to come home.  He wasn’t as handsome as he used to be, Bucky deserved better than him. He knew it was a stupid fear, Bucky had always loved him and Steve was the one who had kicked him out, but it was what it was. Steve was really missing Bucky and the kids were missing their father. Maybe Bucky would get better and they wouldn’t have to miss him anymore, but who knew how long that could take. It was becoming overwhelming and Steve didn’t know how much longer he could do this.


	4. Chapter 4

“If I knew that seeing your kids cry would make you pull your head outta your ass, I would have pushed you to do it sooner.” Tony grumbled. “Who knew something so simple would make you see that you need help?”

“Oh hush.” Pepper silenced her partner. “This is great, Bucky! This is really, really great! Oh, I’m so happy for you!”

Bucky forced a smile back at Pepper as she gushed over him and cooed at the idea of him getting his family back. Pepper was already picturing Bucky sober and back with Steve and the kids, but Bucky wasn’t high on life like Pepper. Bucky was tense, his body was stiff and he was wound up tight; Tony could see something was off but he didn’t know what to say or do.

“Uh, yeah. It’s great, I guess.” Bucky muttered.

“You alright, robo cop?” Tony asked, searching Bucky’s face.

“Fine.” Bucky lied, scoffing as if that would make his words more believable.

“You don’t have to lie to us, y’know?” Tony said softly. “We’re here for you whenever you need us.”

Bucky let out a long sigh, finally letting his tense muscles relax. “I’m just scared that even if I get help, I won’t get better. I mean, sometimes I don’t even think I deserve to get better, and what if I don’t get better? What if I **can’t** get better?”

“Oh Bucky, I’m sorry you’re having those thoughts, but they aren’t true.” Pepper told him, moving so she was close enough to gently set her hand on his shoulder. “You deserve to get better. You deserve to be happy again, I promise you that you deserve it. But Bucky, getting better from something like this doesn’t happen overnight and you just have to force yourself to be patient. It won’t be easy, but you will get better and Tony and I will help you every step of the way.”

Bucky gave her a sad smile. “Pep, if it cured up overnight, it would have already; I know that. A-and I’m glad you think I deserve to get better but…but I don’t think I do. I guess I just have to try, though. My kids, they need me back, so I have to try.”

Tony patted Bucky’s shoulder. “We’re here for you buddy. You’ve got this.”

It was obvious to Bucky that Tony was sincere and was hiding all types of emotions behind his emotionless mask. They have the same coping mechanisms, so it was easy for Bucky to pick up on the meanings of somethings Tony does. Bucky called it a night and tried to focus on getting better as he closed his eyes for sleep that night.

Bucky’s week went by at a snail’s pace. Filled with nightmares and a burning urge for the bottle, but he stayed away from it with the help of Tony, who rigged an alarm to go off every time Bucky opened Pepper’s liquor cabinet. Every time the alarm went off Bucky and Tony would walk until Bucky admitted drinking wasn’t a good idea. Sometimes they were out for over an hour before Bucky would admit it, but at least he wasn’t back there with the alcohol taunting him. Bucky went to two AA meetings with Tony and one VA meeting the week. The VA meeting was the hardest for Bucky, because he wanted so desperately to pretend that he wasn’t scared of everything since he came home. The group leader told Bucky that his fear was most likely stemmed from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and that it was okay for him to be afraid. Sam and Tony reported it back to Steve, along with the fact Bucky stayed for the duration of all his meetings that week and spoke at the VA meeting and one of the AA meetings.

Once he got through that week, he took the kids to a small park on Saturday. When Bucky showed up to pick up the kids, Steve smiled at Bucky like Bucky had told him he won the lottery. Bucky made small talk until the kids were ready to go and the whole way to the park Bucky forced himself not to think about how much he missed Steve. The trip to the park gave Steve time to drink a bottle of wine and take a bubble bath, something he’d wanted to do for weeks. He knew it was a stereotypical mom thing, but he didn’t give two shits. He’d had a very hard couple of months and he deserved to have five minutes without gender roles starting him in the face.

Kamala was quiet for the entire ride to the park and seemed hesitant to go in the first place. Bucky knew his last visit with the kids had been tough, tougher than anyone had been expecting, but he hoped to have a good visit this time. Peter was on the swing the entire time they were at the park, giggling excitedly and crying out “Daddy, watch me” when he swung high. Peter was playing independently, but Kamala went to the jungle gym and Bucky kept a hold on her as she played on the monkey bars.

“Don’t let go!” She cried as she got ready to move onto the next bar.

“I won’t.” Bucky promised, his hands firmly on her sides.

And then, she swung to the next bar, giggling madly once her hands clasped the new bar. Bucky wished he could let her go long enough to take a photo, but he knew that if he moved his hands she’d begin to panic and that was the last thing he wanted. They continued like this for almost half an hour before the kids decided they wanted lunch. The kids dug into their happy meals like they hadn’t eaten in days. Their carefree mentality always made Bucky smile.

When Bucky first came back from deployment, the kids were fascinated by his new metal arm and wanted to touch it and figure it out constantly, but due to how new it was to him, Bucky refused to let them play with his new arm. Kamala had lost interest by now, but Peter still stared at it in awe and his fingers would twitch at the urge to touch. As Peter shoved French fries in his mouth, he stared at the arm with the same interest he’d always had. Bucky had had months to get used to his arm and was no longer as protective and defensive about it as he’d been when he first came home, so he rolled up his sleeve and held out his arm.

“You wanna touch it?” Bucky asked.                               

Peter stared at him, silently trying to figure out if this was a trick question. He knew his daddy wasn’t fond of him touching that arm, but Bucky just smiled and waited for Peter to touch his arm. Hesitantly, Peter laid his chubby hand down on Bucky’s arm and when Bucky didn’t stop him, Peter lifted up the arm and looked at it from different angles, his fingers poking and prodding the metal limb. Peter wondered if his daddy could even feel it, because instead of telling him to stop, his daddy just picked up his burger with his other hand and ate.

“Wow.” Peter whispered.                                                              

“Pretty neat, isn’t it?” Bucky offered, giving a soft smile. “Uncle Tony made it, y’know.”

“Can he make me one?” Peter asked, making Bucky chuckle.

“No, stupid! Daddy got that arm because his other one is gone. You can’t have one.” Kamala huffed.

“Can too!” Peter shouted back at his sister.

“Hold up, hold up!” Bucky cried before they got in an all out screaming match in the middle of McDonalds. “Peter, I have this arm because my other arm had to be removed. You don’t want your arm removed do you?”

Peter shook his head frantically.

“Then Uncle Tony can’t make you one like mine, but he might be able to make you a sleeve that you can wear on your arm that looks like mine if you ask nicely.” Bucky said simply before turning to Kamala. “It’s not nice to call your brother names.”

Kamala pouted while her brother beamed happily. Once the kids finished their food, Bucky brought them back to the park until they were ready to home. Bucky trekked through another week before deciding to see a therapist to do one on one sessions. He didn’t visit the kids that weekend, he had Steve explain to them that Bucky was trying to get better as fast as possible and that’s why he couldn’t see them that weekend. The next week he saw his therapist once, went to AA once, the VA twice and visited the kids at school during lunch.

Slowly but surely, Bucky was getting his life back on track and everyone could tell he was doing his best. After a month of being alcohol free and starting medication for his PTSD, Bucky only went to one VA meeting a week, one AA meeting a week and saw his therapist once a week and went to the gym three times a week. He worked on seeing his kids regularly and began to reconnect with his friends and as he progressed he realized there was one person he hadn’t added to the equation: Steve.

“Jesus Barnes, you haven’t been talking to Steve about anything but the kids?” Tony gaped.

“I didn’t realize until yesterday.” Bucky admitted with a deep sigh. “How am I gonna fix this, Tony?”

“Buy him a teddy bear the size of your house.” Tony replied.

“If that didn’t work on me, it’s sure as hell not going to work on Steve. Bucky, just call him and tell him that you’d like to take him out on a date.” Pepper told him slowly like he was stupid.

“Thanks Pepper.” Bucky grinned.

That night he gathered every ounce of courage he possessed and called Steve.

“Hello?” Steve answered.

“Hey Steve, it’s Bucky.” Bucky replied, smiling nervously into the phone.

“Oh hey Buck, want me to get Kamala or Peter?”

“Uh, no, um, I actually called to talk to you.”

“Oh, okay. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. You see, Stevie, I’ve been so busy with getting my ass in gear that I didn’t have enough time for you and that’s not right. So, I was wondering if and I could take you out on a date Friday night?”

On the other end of the phone, Steve was standing in his kitchen with his heart in his throat. Despite Bucky’s improvements Steve had begun to believe his marriage wasn’t going to work out due to their lack of interaction. Steve felt like a teenage girl being asked to the prom and shouted out his reply too quickly.

“Yes! Of course!” Steve yelped into the phone, rocking on his heels excitedly.

“Really? Awesome!” Bucky exclaimed. “I’ll pick you up at seven?”

“Yeah, totally.” Steve breathed into the phone.

“Alright, I’m gonna go now. See you Friday.” Bucky said.

“See you.” Steve parroted.

As they hung up, they both scrambled for their phones again. Bucky called his therapist and made an appointment for the next day while Steve called Natasha.

“Hello?” Natasha answered.

“Nat! It’s Steve!” Steve yelled into the phone.

“Whoa, you okay, Rogers?” Natasha demanded.

“I’m fine, great actually. Bucky just asked me out.” Steve squealed, he would later deny it and even threaten to share drunken pictures of Natasha if she didn’t drop it.

“Your husband asked you out? Stop the press!” Natasha scoffed sarcastically.

“Shut it, Romanoff!” Steve hissed into the phone, causing Natasha to laugh. “I called to see if you could take the kids on Friday so Bucky and I can go on our date.”

“Yeah, sure.” Nat said.

“Thanks Nat, I owe you one.” Steve beamed.

The next morning, Doctor Bruce Banner walked into his office to see Bucky Barnes sitting in the waiting room anxiously. It was obvious that Bucky had been there for a while. His leg was shaking uncontrollably and he was gnawing on his nails.

“Bucky? Your appointment isn’t for another hour.” Bruce said.

“I know, but I was so anxious that I showed up early.” Bucky confessed.

Bruce frowned. “Alright, come on in, I don’t have anyone for another half hour.”

Bucky quickly scurried into Bruce’s cozy office and perched himself on the stiffest chair in the entire room. Bruce saw down in the comfy recliner across from Bucky, he took a long sip of his coffee before beginning conversation.

“So what brings you in so early, Bucky?” Bruce asked simply.

“I have a date with Steve tomorrow night.” Bucky blurted out.

“Yeah?” Bruce asked, a smile growing on his face. “That’s great!”

“I’m so anxious about it.” Bucky confessed, visibly relaxing as he spoke. “What if I fuck this up, Bruce? What if the future of my marriage is riding on this date and I royally fuck it up?”

“First of all, the future of your marriage is not riding on one date.” Bruce said, holding up a hand to stop Bucky from rambling on nervously. “Second, if the date doesn’t go well, you can always take him on another date and try again. If Steve loves you so much he made you turn your life around and you love him so much that you followed his wishes to make yourself better, then he will understand if things don’t go smoothly at first.”

“You really think so?” Bucky asked softly.

“I really do.” Bruce responded with the most genuine smile Bucky has ever seen.


	5. Chapter 5

For Bucky Friday night came both too fast and not fast enough. He spent all day putting together the best date he could think of for him and Steve and second guessed himself every ten minutes along the way. When it was finally time for Bucky to pick Steve up, he drove more cautiously than he ever had before. He had told Steve to dress casual and was wearing clothes he hadn’t worn since getting his new arm, but Bucky was surprised to find he felt good in them.

Bucky must have been staring at the door for a good three minutes before he pulled himself together and rang the doorbell. Almost instantly the door flew open to show Steve looking breath takingly beautiful. He was dressed causal just liked Bucky instructed, but Steve managed to look like a sex god in old blue jeans, a plain t-shirt and a jean jacket.

“Hey.” Steve breathed, just like he always did when he was nervous but also excited.

“You look amazing.” Bucky blurted out. “Fuck! I’m supposed to say hi first! Hey Steve.”

Steve was grinning madly and fighting laughs at Bucky’s awkward attempts at remembering how dating works; it reminded Steve of how Bucky was on their first date. Steve was extremely pleased with Bucky’s reaction to seeing him, but with the awkward commentary, Steve felt like Bucky was being himself again, and that was better than any reaction Steve could ever get.

“No, I like the first response better.”  Steve teased.

 Bucky smiled excitedly as he chuckled. For a second he had been worried that he fucked up the date already, but Steve didn’t seem to be bothered by Bucky’s awkward commentary to himself about how to act on dates. Bucky held out an arm towards Steve, a big smile on his face and an eyebrow cocked.

“Shall we?” Bucky asked, trying to channel his inner romantic that he used to be able to channel instantly.

Steve beamed and linked elbows with Bucky, allowing the veteran to lead him to the car. Bucky remember his manners, opening the door for Steve and closing it for him too. As Bucky slipped into the driver’s seat and drove cautiously, Steve was reminded eve more of their first date.

“So where are we going?” Steve asked, he couldn’t think of any place Bucky would take him on a date that required casual clothes.

“It’s a surprise.” Bucky told him, flashing a toothy grin.

Steve scoffed playfully, but he was smiling ear to ear. The few months without Bucky, knowing he was only a few miles away, were tougher than any of the years of Bucky’s in the military. Maybe it was because driving to Bucky would have been so easy, but he couldn’t drive to Bucky while he was refusing help. The date felt like the beginning of the end of their separation. They chatted mindlessly as Bucky drove and drove, before finally pulling up to the natural history museum.

“I took you here on our first date. Do you remember?” Bucky asked, smiling nervously.

“Of course! How could I forget? It was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.” Steve admitted. “It’s been years since I’ve last gone though. Is it even open right now?”

“Yeah, but only for an hour.” Bucky confessed. “Figured you’d wanna be home to the kids as soon as possible.”

“I think an hour’s perfect.” Steve flirted, shooting Bucky a flirty smile.

Bucky felt like the awkward twenty year old he had been when he first took Steve here as they weaved in and out of the exhibits. It wasn’t original, but it was nice and the couple felt secure and happy. They talked about things they missed about each other and somehow ended up talking about their first Hanukah as a couple.

“Oh god, Buck, you have no idea how terrified I was that your parents were going to hate me.” Steve reminisced. “I knew your parents really wanted you to end up with a Jewish guy, so I got a Rabbi to teach me the prayer you say when you light the candles and low and behold, it wasn’t the prayer your family used.”

Bucky threw his head back with laughter as he remembered that night. It was the last Hanukah he spent as a civilian and he’d been dating Steve for just over a year at that point and his parents had just started to warm up to Steve. Bucky and his sister, Rebecca, had offered to say the prayer and when they started, Steve had shouted “fuck” right in the middle of the prayer. Bucky’s entire family froze and turned to look at Steve to see what the hell was going on. To this day, Bucky has never seen Steve get as red as he did that day. He blurted out that he’d gone to a synagogue to learn the prayer so he’d be prepared but the prayer he learned was different and that he was so sorry for interrupting.

Seeing his mother console Steve and explain that there are different versions of the prayer was one of the nicest things Bucky’s ever gotten to witness.

“They’ve moved on from that, it’s that horrendous Hanukah sweater you bought my mom that she’ll never get over!” Bucky teased, remembering the ugly Hanukah sweater Steve bought Bucky’s mom the next year.

“Shut up, that’s the cutest ugly sweater you’ve ever seen.” Steve mock defended.

The night was fun and easy. They avoided hard subjects and maybe they shouldn’t have, but they were content and the date was a success. The hour went by too quickly for either of their liking, but Bucky drove Steve home and walked him to the door.

“This was really nice, Buck.” Steve said with a coy smile.

“Yeah, we should do it again.” Bucky suggested, grinning at his husband.

“Next week?” Steve offered, causing a laugh to erupt from Bucky’s lips.

“Not playing hard to get, are you, Stevie?” Bucky teased.

“No, I’m not.” Steve agreed, taking a step forward and leaning in.

Bucky swore up and down he heard the angels sing as he and Steve kissed on their front steps. It wasn’t a particularly long kiss, but it was nice and Bucky beamed as he pulled away.

“I’ll see you next week.” Steve whispered before slipping into the house.

After the door clicked shut, Bucky stayed put on the porch, just smiling. He felt the better than he’s ever have since coming home. He took his sweet time, just soaking in the moment, allowing the happiness to fill him up before he went back to his car. The drive was bitter sweet, but he was happy and called it a night before Tony could hound him for details.

The next morning Bucky felt so good that he didn’t think he even needed to go to the VA that day, so he didn’t. He hit the gym and ended up getting lunch with some friends he made at the gym, Thor Odinson and Luke Cage. They mostly talked about Luke, who was a professional boxer, and his next boxing match.

“You guys should come some time.” Luke suggested. “I think you might like it.”

“I’d love to come see one of your matches some time.” Thor beamed. “I used to box in my youth, it was the best part of childhood for me.”

Bucky had met Thor and Luke one day after an especially bad day. He had been beating the shit out of the heavy bag when a low whistle hit his ears. Bucky had jumped and turned to glare at whoever whistled, only to find two of the buffest men he’d ever seen. One of the men was white and had shoulder length blonde hair while the other was black and had short, curly black hair. The blonde one introduced himself as Thor Odinson and told Bucky he packed a mean punch and from then on, he worked out with them at the gym.  Bucky spent most of the day with Thor and Luke, cracking jokes and feeling care free for the first time in a long time.

But despite how good he had felt, the next day he woke up feeling like there was an anchor in his gut. He dragged himself into the kitchen, hoping that coffee would make him feel better. As Bucky fumbled with the coffee machine, he barely even noticed Tony perched at the table with his tablet.

“What’s up, Barnes?” Tony asked.

“Nothing.” Bucky grumbled, his voice groggy.

“Yeah? Then why are you so sluggish today?” Tony demanded, looking up from his tablet and directly into Bucky’s eyes.

“I don’t know, Tony. I just feel off, that’s all.” Bucky said dismissively.

“Did you go to the VA yesterday?” Tony set his tablet down and focused his attention on the man in front of him.

“No, I didn’t need to go yesterday.” Bucky explained defensively.

“Fine, then go today.”        

“No, today’s AA day.”

“Yeah, but you skipped VA day and you know you’re not supposed to be doing that shit, Barnes. Wilson will probably drop by and demand I drag you to the VA if you don’t do it yourself.”

This was really the last thing Bucky wanted to talk about. His eyes danced around the room, looking for something else, anything else, to talk about.

“So why do you only read the news on your tablet?” Bucky asked, picking up the tablet. “Reading the paper is just easier.”

“First of all, don’t try to change the subject.” Tony clicked his tongue, taking his tablet back quickly. “And second, no one reads the paper anymore, Grandpa. God what is this, the 70’s?”

“See now I disagree-“ Bucky was cut off by Tony.

“Go to the damn VA, Bucky. I’m not playing the song and dance today.” Tony sighed and walked away.

As much as Bucky hated to admit when he’s wrong, Tony was right this time and if he didn’t listen, he’d be the one suffering. As Bucky pulled up in the parking lot of the VA, he noticed plenty of new faces. The VA was more popular than he had thought. He entered the VA and went to find Sam, Sam would know who he could talk to. Bucky began walking towards Sam’s office, a route he knew well, when he saw someone he never expected to see again.

“Clint?”


End file.
